I’m hyper-critical when it comes to my own shortcomings. It’s so easy to see the great stuff everyone else is doing, and only see our own faults, right? So, I’m quite content overlooking other people’s mistakes, but I can be very hard on myself when I fall short.

A few years ago, I decided to leave the job I was in and start my own business (I was really unhappy there, so it was an easy and a dumb choice at the same time). I hadn’t really done all the groundwork I thought I’d done to prepare for this change.

From the very start, it was like I was in a dream, watching a disaster unfold in slow motion, but unable to take any rational action to limit the damage. As panic took over, I stood frozen in my tracks and watched resources, energy, and mental clarity take the shortest way out of my life, leaving me unrecognizable even to myself.

I’ll spare you the gory details of horror and despair. Suffice to say that, almost a decade later, I’m still sorting some things out and occasionally wondering how I got here. Ten years may seem like an impossibly long time to you, but there’s one major reason why it’s taken me so long to begin to feel like I’m on the right track again:

Instead of learning from my mistakes, I let them consume me. Self-commiseration alternated with a good amount of self-loathing took away a lot of the energy I should have been using to learn and grow.

Sometimes, the longer you carry your mistakes with you, the heavier the burden becomes.

Using Emotional Intelligence to Let Go of Mistakes

Psychologists Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer defined emotional intelligence as the ability to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions and the emotions of others.

A vital part of the pursuit of emotional intelligence is learning to use resilience and perspective to navigate negative experiences like big, life-changing mistakes.

It’s perfectly normal to feel negative emotions when you make a mistake. The problems come from holding onto these feelings, resulting in self-doubt, anxiety, and decreased self-esteem. The cocky me that existed before my colossal, half-witted attempt to start a business will probably never see the light of day again (that’s not necessarily a bad thing).

To grow and move forward, however, you need to learn from your mistakes. To do this, you need to:

• Acknowledge your emotions.
• Understand how they came about.
• Then release them.

This will give you some relief from emotional distress, but it will also enhance your emotional intelligence as you become better at managing and regulating your emotions.

Growing and Improving Because of Your Mistakes

Regardless of your spiritual or philosophical beliefs, it’s undeniable: as long as you refuse to learn from your mistakes, you’ll continue to find yourself in the same situations time and time again.

It makes perfect sense when you look at it from the outside. That’s why we’re all better at giving advice than receiving it.

It’s important to let go of the negative emotions brought on by your mistakes, but it’s just as important to see the opportunities for growth and improvement that these mistakes provide.

There is a lesson to be learned from each of your mistakes.

You can analyze them to figure out how you behaved, how you made decisions, and where you need to improve.

I could give you pages of mistakes I made, poor decisions, and areas in which I need to improve, all based on that one experience (or cluster of experiences).

If you look closely at a mistake you make at work, you may discover gaps in planning, communication, or execution.

In the same way, mistakes in a personal relationship will teach you about emotional maturity and growth, in areas like empathy, patience, or communication.

Looking at your mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow allows you to see them no longer as regretful occurrences, but rather as milestones on your path to personal and professional development.

How Do You Let Go of Mistakes?

Here are some steps you can try:

1. Acknowledge the Mistake: Denying or avoiding your mistake will just make those negative emotions stick around. You must acknowledge the mistake before you can let it go. One of the things that slowed my recovery was my constantly pointing out what everyone else got wrong. I always felt like I had been dragged down by the actions of others involved, instead of recognizing my own part in the events.
2. Understand Your Emotions: What are you feeling, because of this mistake? Embarrassment? Shame? Guilt? Disappointment? If you want to process the emotion effectively, you must know exactly what you’re dealing with.
3. Learn from Your Mistake: Analyze the mistake and figure out what went wrong. Could you have done something differently? What can you do to prevent such a mistake from happening again?
4. Forgive Yourself: This is a vital step in letting go of your mistakes. You need to understand, and accept, that everybody makes mistakes. They don’t define your value or your capability.
5. Move On: The insights you get from analyzing your mistake will show you where to improve. Figure out where you need to change your behavior or your decision-making process, and then implement those changes. Learn, apply, and keep going.
6. Seek Help if You Need It: If you’re having a hard time letting go, talking to friends or family may be helpful. If that doesn’t work, a mental health professional may provide the best solution.

To Sum It Up in a Few Words

It’s not about forgetting your mistakes or pretending nothing happened.

Learn from your mistakes, forgive yourself, and use the experience to improve and to grow.

It’s an impressive exercise in emotional intelligence, and a stimulus for personal growth.

But don’t just take my word for it. I am as much on this learning curve as you are. Try these resources to learn more about emotional intelligence and learning from your mistakes:

• “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More than IQ”, by Daniel Goleman.
• “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success”, by Carol S. Dweck.
• “Emotional Intelligence. Imagination, cognition, and personality”, by P. Salovey and J. D. Mayer.
• “Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes Into Stepping Stones for Success”, by John C. Maxwell.